Leveling Up Hacks - Active Listening
Why active listening helps you level up - and how to start today.
Welcome back to Path to Staff. This is the third in the series of Leveling Up Hacks. Check out Share Your Progress and Take A Step Back if you missed the first two hacks.
What are leveling up hacks? They are hacks designed to help software engineers like yourself accelerate their careers. Why am I sharing them? I’ve seen patterns among engineers who've risen quickly to Staff and beyond. These patterns are not taught in engineering bootcamps or college. Instead, they're subtle skills you pick up on as you dive into the workforce.
This week, I’m excited to have
, ex-engineering manager and now career coach to share about the next leveling up hack - active listening. Without further ado, here’s her story.
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
– Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
It was the early days of my role as a tech lead. During a 1:1 with a team member, she started telling me how she struggled to pair on a task with a specific teammate:
"Pairing with Alan for the past few days has been really tough. We just don’t seem to be on the same page ever. Also..."
But at that moment, I stopped listening. My brain jumped ahead the second I heard Alan’s name: “Me too! I’ve been through this! I know exactly how to solve it!” I just nodded while she spoke, waiting for a chance to share my story and advice.
So I did. I told her how I had struggled with Alan, too, and shared strategies that helped me. But as I spoke, I could see her interest fading. Finally, I asked, “How does that sound to you?” She replied: "Those sound like great strategies, but actually, I just wanted to ask if it would be ok for me to pair with someone else for a bit. I’m going through some personal issues these days, and a change of scenery would really help."
That was the moment I realized I had completely misread the situation. She didn’t need my advice; she already had a solution. She just needed my support. We both could have saved time if I had just shut up and listened.
But you can learn from my mistakes! 🙂
I’ll share six key strategies to help you avoid situations like this and become a better listener.
They are:
Focus on the Speaker
Get comfortable with silence
Reflect back to confirm your understanding
Use open-ended questions
Reflect on your conversations
Seek feedback from others
1 - Focus on the Speaker
There is a time to speak and a time to listen.
When you are speaking, it’s about you. When you are listening, it is about the other person. The simplest yet most powerful way to hear better is to focus entirely on the person you’re speaking with.
That means giving them your full attention. Start with simple actions. Put your phone away. Turn on Do Not Disturb to block notifications. Use full-screen mode during online calls.
It also means remembering that not everything is about you. Feeling threatened is a prevalent trigger that stops us from listening, which makes us go directly into defensive mode.
For example, when a tech lead says: “We should talk about this incident and what happened,” people often reply with: “Another team caused this,” or “I had nothing to do with it.” The problem is assuming someone is trying to get you. By listening until the end, it becomes clear that they might just be asking for more information, which has nothing to do with blame. A good strategy for not taking things personally was a Post-it note on my monitor. It read: “Is this about me?” and constantly reminded me not to assume.
Staying present also takes effort. When someone talks for a long time, your mind may wander. You might remember something you forgot or think about what to have for dinner. Drifting happens to everyone, especially when energy is low. The key is to notice when it happens and return to the conversation. One strategy that helps me refocus is keeping a notebook handy to jot down distracting thoughts or tasks quickly. Writing them down clears my mind and makes it easier to stay engaged. Also, the more I practiced this, the easier it became to stay focused and fully present in conversations.
Listening well isn’t just about hearing words, it’s about being fully present for the other person.
2 - Get comfortable with silence
If you want to listen more, you have to talk less.
Early in my career, I felt pressure to fill every silence or always have the final say. I thought my team expected me to provide answers, but I was unintentionally silencing their voices.
Here’s what I’ve learned to do:
Default to mute during remote meetings
This simple habit helps me pause before jumping in. Often, I find my team can handle discussions without me stepping in.
Embrace awkward silences. Use the “count to 39” trick
Another trick that worked wonders was counting to 39 in my head during silences. I step in if no one speaks by then (though someone almost always does). This simple strategy allowed my team to take ownership while breaking my habit of jumping in too quickly.
Embracing silence allows your team to step up, share their ideas, and take ownership of conversations. The less you interrupt, the more you empower others.
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3 - Reflect back to confirm your understanding
How do you show someone you’re truly listening? One of the best ways is by reflecting back what you’ve heard to the speaker. This not only validates the speaker’s feelings but also ensures you’re both on the same page.
Here are a few phrases that work well:
“Did I get this right?”
“Let me see if I understood - are you saying...?”
“What exactly do you mean by that?”
4 - Use open-ended questions
Switching from closed questions (yes/no) to open-ended ones encourages deeper dialogue. For example:
Instead of: “Is the task done?”
Try: “What’s the status of the task?”
This invites the speaker to elaborate, giving you more insight and showing you’re genuinely interested.
5 - Reflect on your conversations
After key meetings (e.g., 1-1s or feedback sessions), take 15 minutes to reflect on questions like:
How well did I listen (1–10)?
Where did my mind drift, and why?
How often did I interrupt, and what triggered it?
This process helps you identify patterns and blind spots in your listening habits.
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6 - Seek feedback from others
Self-reflection is powerful but only gives you one side of the story: your perspective. To truly grow, you need feedback from those around you.
Don’t hesitate to ask questions like:
“What’s one thing I could do to make you feel more heard?”
“How do you think I handle conversations when we disagree?”
This feedback, combined with your own reflections, provides a complete picture of where your listening skills stand. Knowing where you are is the first step toward meaningful growth. The insights you gain will guide your efforts and help you become a more intentional and effective listener.
Final thoughts: Listening is a skill you build
You aren’t born a great listener; you become one.
No one is a great listener by default. It’s something you get better at with practice. You can strengthen your listening and leadership by staying present, giving space for others to talk, and reflecting back.
Learning to listen better has been one of the most significant growth areas for me as a leader. It takes effort, but it’s worth it. When I started listening more, I was able to provide better support by genuinely understanding people’s needs. I also felt that people were more open to sharing their challenges and struggles with me and were more open to collaborating.
By investing in your listening skills, you will not just become a better developer or tech lead but a better human to be around. Even the slightest change can make a big difference 😉
 | A guest post by
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My experience is that active listening is a great strategy to improve communication quality. I use it to repeat what I hear and say “did I get it right?” And I’m thinking about the response at the same time. It shows respect to the speakers, and allows me to figure out a better response.